21 Things I’ve learned in Lockdown
By Simon Collins
1. I don’t need a haircut.
2. If I eat cake and do no exercise, I put on weight. Actually that’s Charlie & Emese’s fault, not mine.
3. A lazy, sunbathing ‘COVIDIOT’ can instantly turn into a squat thrusting exercise junkie as soon as a policeman wanders by.
4. Injecting (or otherwise ingesting) disinfectant will likely kill you (I think I already knew this one although apparently the leader of the free world did not.)
5. I still feel like apologising to people as I give them a wide berth on the pavement. I want to assure them it’s nothing personal.
6. Everything I eat tastes vaguely of hand sanitiser.
7. I’ve become so used to contactless payment that I think I’ve forgotten my PIN.
8. Facemasks are the latest must-have fashion accessory. They are going for upwards of £30 a time. We have some that are very stylish and exclusive, made by Ivana (see Dzonger Pics.)
9. The planet is much happier when we don’t do a lot of the stuff we usually do.
10. First of all toilet paper was the world’s most sought after commodity, then it was eggs. What’s next? As long as it’s not peanut butter I’ll be OK.
11. If I climb the staircase to my room 20 times it’s the equivalent of climbing to the top of St Paul’s Cathedral. 1600 times for Mount Everest. That may offset some of the cake-related expansion (see no. 2 above.)
12. No one should ever again complain about the NHS or the wonderful folk who work for it.
13. This period offers an unprecedented opportunity for practice. Lama Yeshe Rinpoche says so. No excuses. So why do I so often find an excuse?
14. Dogs are confused. All their friends in the park are avoiding them and they don’t know why. That’s sad.
15. People have definitely become more polite and, dare I say, kinder. I guess we’re all in this together. Let’s hope this continues after the lockdown. The world works so much better when we care about each other.
16. Not just Tom, but everyone in the centre cooks like a pro, except me, and possibly Colin (although I suspect he may actually be a bit of a Gordon Ramsay on the quiet.)
17. 80% of business travel is totally unnecessary. I hope this will be reflected in air passenger numbers once the lockdown is over.
18. Technology is wonderful. Just think how different this lockdown experience would have been 10 or 15 years ago.
19. If you ever wanted a real, in-your-face object lesson in impermanence, you have it now and, guess what? It’s no cause for panic. As His Holiness Karmapa said, we can use this crisis to improve ourselves and learn some new and valuable things.
20. So many of the things we thought essential turn out not to be so, or are, at least, much overrated. On the other hand, some simple things that we take for granted are precious.
21. I need a haircut. Where’s Sarah?